I've struggled with whether or not to post this entry. We all deal with situations differently and handle weighty events in different ways. What most of you don't know about me is that I write. My brain gets so full of thoughts, memories and connections that I have to put them on paper to find resolution. The following prayer was written on March 3rd while I was on my lunch break at work. I was reflecting on the magnitude of the gift of a child. I didn't intend for anyone else to read it...ever. A couple of weeks later, I felt compelled to read it to Rachel.
When we found out that our little peanut was going to be a boy, a new round of thoughts crowded my mind. I will be this little boy's example. He'll learn what it means to be a man from me. I will be responsible for teaching this little boy the importance of living as a faithful Christian man. All of these thoughts lead me back to this prayer, written almost two months ago, but somehow almost more true today than it was then. I share this for only one reason; if you read this blog, I assume that you have some relationship with Rachel and I. I ask you to hold me accountable as a father. My unborn son deserves a strong, Godly father. With that said, I know there will be times that I will need to be reminded of the way I felt when I wrote this:
“God I stand before you here, unworthy, yet honored;
Your will dictates that now is the time for one of your children to start their journey here on earth. A child, precious to you and essential in your master plan, who needs mentors to aid in development and demonstrate the love that you have so freely given us. This world operates at your command and spins at your pleasure. You have the opportunity to choose anyone as an example for this child. So many are so much more qualified than I; financially, physically and mentally I am dwarfed by thousands, nay, millions. You have the opportunity to choose anyone, and you are choosing me? I am so imperfect, and yet you choose me? I am so insignificant, and yet you still choose me? This can only be explained in one way; the child which my wife now carries is not our own. If it were ours, we would have no chance. We are both so imperfect and fail daily in our struggle to live as your Son lived. No, the child that my wife now carries is Your own. You have plans for our child that we cannot fathom. Help us to remember through the years the magnitude of this gift. Why you saw fit to put this child under our care for a time, I do not know. What I do know though, is that your will is perfect. Potter, please mold me into a father. Teach me how to love this child as you do and grant me wisdom to lead our family. Words fail me, as humbled so drastically understates the condition of my heart today. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please hold my hand and lead me as I hold the hand of our child and lead. I am overwhelmed by your love yet again!"
And again today, I am overwhelmed!
15 "But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
-Joshua 24:15
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